Most addicts in recovery eventually get to the place where they accept full responsibility for their condition. Full responsibility for their lives, choices and behavior. We know that “They” don’t make us do anything – It’s always our choice.

That type of personal responsibility is very important to life after addiction. Taking responsibility for ones actions makes life easier. Whenever we blame others we take on the imaginary role as victim and I’m sure you can see where life as a victim is hard. How hard is not being in control of our own lives? It’s pretty much like free vs. slave, and it’s always our choice which role we play.

There is another level of responsibility we can explore and enjoy. We could call it emotional responsibility. If we play it right we’ll end up with emotional autonomy. We’ll see that “They” can’t make us feel a certain way. Like choosing our response action, it’s up to us. Now, how about stuff like guilt, remorse, regret and shame?

Who decides when and where those psychological acts come into play? How could it be any different from any other choice we make? Doesn’t it have to be us?

One of the things that happens with addicts entering and working at recovery is we become very in tune with what’s going on inside us. We are set on a path to search ourselves. We are encouraged to find that within ourselves that would bring us down. Many who choose not to do this are gone. Gone from sobriety or gone period. So we look and examine and in time we become our own best friends.

I am going through a re-examination of – I’ll just use the word – guilt. I’ve been watching the feeling when it comes up and asking myself, “Is that what you want?” In other words is the feeling you’re feeling there because of a autonomous choice – or does it stem from an outside source.

My premise is basically this: Guilt is taught”

Guilt is taught and we either learn it – or we don’t. We accept or reject the teaching and the teachers . Sometimes I’ll use the “If I were in charge” tool. If I were in charge would this be something people should feel bad about?

I’ll just pick something for an example and use wasting time. I often feel kind of ashamed of myself for not getting enough done. Even if I can’t really think of anything to do I feel like I should be able to and not being able to is most likely because I was somehow fucking off. If I examine this I can see that the whole idea of wasting time is somebody elses. Left on my own I probably wouldn’t even have words like wasting time in my vocabulary. Who’s to say any time spent is time wasted? But somewhere along the line I accepted the teaching at the subconscious level and now it’s really in there – like a thorn.

So for some time now when I feel something like this I get a hold of it and examine it and if it’s origins aren’t Doug – I reject it and decide for myself what is important and therefore how I should feel. This is basically how I’ve done everything in my life after addiction. It’s my own method of carving out my self determined path.

I’m not trying to fit in. I tried that as an adolescent to some degree. It drove me nuts and most likely contributed to my getting started with addiction. So fitting in is out.

On the self determined path I am responsible for every aspect of myself as a human being. I can’t be responsible for anything outside of this since I have no knowledge of it it would just be guess work. But I do know how I feel and if I stay on top of things I know why I feel how I feel and then I can take responsibility for it and change it if I want.

Happy Hunting

I was thinking about this the other day and thought it must be the regaining of control. Drug Abuse, drug addiction, including alcohol abuse and alcoholism is all about losing control.

I remember sitting in bad places: Jails, stranded, homeless; making plans on what I was going to do about it. The problem with these plans was, as long as I was using, I really didn’t have control over the outcome. Very late in my career as an addict did I associate my circumstances with my addiction. I used to wonder “How did this happen”?

The answer was simple: drug addiction. I didn’t have control over the future event because I was an addict. My first real connecting of the addiction with the situation was made in regards to a physical feeling. The feeling was “I’m to tired to do this anymore”. Addiction had worn me out. Once I made the connection I was able to get free.

We can still get ourselves into ridiculous, miserable, situations in life after addiction but we get to control this. Drugs and alcohol no longer takes over and puts us there: It’s all us. Well, us and some others. But we can avoid those “others” to some degree.

At last we are back in control. We might not be any good at it but we’re there. Now we get to live and learn just like every body else. Got a favorite thing about life after addiction?

As I go along listening, reading and learning about things I run into the faith and gratitude acts. The stand out faith story I guess is the one where Jesus tells the lady her faith has done something. Not I did something because of your faith. Not god did something but just – because of your faith – something.

I always wonder, if this is real and it works then either few have faith in themselves or even know what the whole faith thing involves or – I don’t know.

The other thing I hear is be grateful for the things that have yet to manifest. Like you would see a vision of a better future for yourself and others and although it hasn’t appeared physically you are grateful that it’s a done deal. But – Is it?

I have a really hard time with these concepts. I’m grateful for all the good things I am presented with: breathing, trees, smiles, sounds – But, I can see them. They’re here, they’re real.

I don’t know, I’m just probably going through another metamorphosis. We’ll see what unfolds.

Nobody knows what’s going on here and that’s a fact. If anybody really knew – it wouldn’t be an age old question. What are we doing here and how did we get here and where are we going – don’t get answered. So they are ages old questions and there is no answer to them. Frustrating huh?

Doesn’t seem to make any sense to “all of a sudden” be standing somewhere, not really knowing how we got there or what we’re supposed to do next. No map, no instructions and no real help from the others around who find themselves here just as we did. Now I know there are a lot of stories and a bunch of people who will tell you they know what’s going on – but they don’t.

Why would life be set up this way? I have an idea that might explain it. Here’s how this “Nobody Knows” thing makes sense. And as far as I’ve come thinking about it, it’s the only explanation that comes close to making sense for me.

It has to do again with the idea of the self determined path. Here we are, each of us in our unique situation. Some are born into firefights and some born into crazy comfort. Both are equal in all that’s of consequence. Both have one thing in common, as do all born to earth: they will decide for themselves how to conduct themselves here.

Many will simply go along and follow the advice and direction of others and they will live and die that way. This is easy to so since everywhere we look there are signs telling us what to do. Do this, buy this, act this way, don’t do that, follow us, be like them … It’s inescapable. Doesn’t matter if you are in New York City or a tribe in the jungle somebody is going to start telling you what to do and how to be and their version of what it’s all about before you can even get a clear thought as to why you might give a shit.

In the midst of whatever is going on we will decide for ourselves. Even if we decide to simply follow along – it’s still our decision. So why would one decision or choice be any better than another? What difference does it make?

If we look around we’ll notice a certain amount of adaptive improvement taking place in all animate beings. From flowers to fish to cows everything gets hardier and more capable – we could say they are getting better at life. Even if they don’t realize it, even if there is no capacity for decision making, things adapt and become more than they were or they don’t continue. So, why would it be any different for us?

Now if we as people knew what was going on, why we were here and where we were going we wouldn’t have to make a lot of decisions would we? If everyone knew that we were here to have fun and as long as we wore red shirts we’d go to earth 2 when we died there would be a lot of red shirts getting washed and dried and worn. I’m not talking about another story here, I’m saying if we really knew. Knew as in didn’t need to ask.

The reason I think it makes sense that things are the way they are is it’s the only way for us to make any meaningful decisions. The meaningful decision would be those made solely within ourselves. No outside influence, no stories: to discard everything we’ve heard about the whole life thing and decide for ourselves what we want to do.

In fact this being on our own is the way it is despite appearances. There is no collective decision making. There is the collective result of all decisions made by individuals but all choices are made individually. So we stand on our own in the middle of everything perceived and we decide what we’re going to do. When we decide what we’re going to do not because of what’s going on around us but because it’s what we want – regardless of current affairs or future outcome – then we become our present best.

That’s the self determined path and what we have here on earth is the only condition where this “becoming ourselves” is possible. We cannot know – and grow.