Recognition and Resolution

Been looking closely at dreams lately. A by product of paying attention I guess. I really don’t write what I decide would be good to write about. I guess the generic description of where I get my topics is – they just come up. I write what I feel compelled to write. A lot of the time these topics arrive first thing in the morning. They’re there when I begin the transition from sleep to waking. Today that happened at three something. Not a good time to, all of a sudden, have something you know is important start taking shape. I know if I don’t stay focused on it, it might fade away so sometimes I’ll get up and write a note to myself. This mornings realization was – I’m scared.

Of what? Everything. What does that mean? It means that every move I make, every decision, every idea, everything I choose to believe…literally everything is tainted by the state of fear. At the biological level it means my body is dying faster. This, dying faster, is evidenced from sound scientific experimentation. (Watch “The biology of belief” by Bruce Lipton.)

It also means that I write differently. Has to. Everything I do is affected. I know that I use language, or don’t use language I normally use when talking with friends, when I write. Part of that is out of consideration for who may be reading this stuff. Doesn’t do any good to run someone off. Part of it is I’m afraid it might “Get me in trouble”. I’m not sure how. It’s just a build up of ideas grown out of past experience. All emotional undercurrents, all programs, are built up over time. That time may be 40 years, or 40 seconds. Either way – it’s there. All to often it goes unnoticed. Running in the background.

This, going unnoticed, is another aspect of living in a state of fear. Not only do I believe stories (in my head) I wouldn’t believe otherwise – I make up stories (in my head) to soothe, pacify, justify, fortify: anything that will bring some sort of solace. I don’t know every single manifestation of fear possible in every single human. I can know mine. It just came to me that writing about this is like going from a recitation on recovering to a live broadcast from the front lines. Like having the camera following me through a struggle with schizophrenia. “Today we’ll follow Doug as he attempts to separate the real from the unreal and resolve the conditions that for so many years have made his life unbearable…”.

I could make a fears list. I might. I might do it so I can look at it from another viewpoint. At the moment the “condition” is right here. I’ve got it where I want it. Now I need to move on it. So I’m scared of everything, “Scared of my friend Rosalinda dying because it will change my life, scared to quit smoking because it has always made me crazy, scared of getting in fights, not being accepted, not succeeding in my ventures and still scared of being lost. None of this is new.

The good thing is, none of it is to the degree it used to be. It’s not as severe. If I wasn’t watching closely I’d have missed it. The important thing to me is I’ve come understand if it’s there at all – in any way, shape or form – I’m suffering from it. My overall quality of living is diminished. It’s cutting me off – I’m cutting me off – from the best possible state of being. I want the best possible state of being – so I go after it – I’m going after all that residual fear lingering beneath the surface.

So what else am I going to do? It’s times and situations like these that I have to admit a lack of power. I think this is what the founders talked about in AA when they talked about powerlessness. It’s not a total, all inclusive, powerlessness which leads to dependency, but a lack of power to resolve a condition with out some sort of aid from life.

What I’ve learned is – Life is going to help me. Everything That Is – will give me what I need to make myself more compatible with “happy”. I’m not unhappy. I just want more happy. All the happy I can get. It’s not selfish. Without happy – nobodies happy. The happier I get the more happy gets and the more get happy. So – am I going to ask a higher power to help me? Hell yes – I already did. It’s been part of the system that’s led me to where I am. I like where I am way more than where I was.