Dealing with self doubt... Am I lying to myself?Having spent most of my life...doing the wrong things, I've created this place inside my brain that doesn't know what it is. I don't know if that's the best way to say it. What it does is give me thoughts about my sincerity. I never really know if I'm doing what I think is "the right thing" for "The right reasons" or if I'm just trying to work the cosmic system. Tip the table in my favor. I guess this is self doubt. I've had a lot of programming. One thing that is stuck in my memory is being surrounded by a bunch of kids from school at a party. The conversation went, "There are good people and there are bad people - you (me) are one of the bad people". That has never left. There has been numerous situations similar to this in my life but that one has really stuck. Part of it is it really made me mad. None of them would ever sit down and talk to me like two people talk. I knew them all. They needed to get ten of them together to tell me. Knowing they were fairly safe. I think this was a big turning point for me. I was leaning up against a car talking to a girl I'd just met. They came - she left - they made there little speech - I left. I didn't say anything. I never said anything, to real, to anybody again.
I've had a lot of opportunities to change my direction. I had chance after chance to - be one of the good guys. The problem was - I didn't really like people that much. In a way, I still don't. I understand the euthanasia crowd. I feel that sociopathic detachment. I look at the question, " Will we survive our own actions or destroy ourselves? ", and I honestly don't know the answer. At the same time, I spend my life asking for direction to what is best and doing what I can to help people who are struggling. Why? Sometimes I wonder - do I really want to do this? Am I just seeing if I can? I don't even know what that means. I guess see if I can create a successful website. Going from computer illiterate, not knowing what a mark up language was, to learning, building and writing the content necessary to say, "I did it".
Do I really want to help anyone? If I was given the opportunity to round up everyone I thought was apt to destroy us, that I had to choice of putting them down, like a bad dog. I probably would. So part of me runs real cold. Which brings me to the point of this story. Thoughts and emotions are not the deciding factors for me. I used to do things based on what I thought and felt. At some level I still do - but there is a big difference in the resulting actions. I have a benchmark I go by. I use it to decide what to do. This is different than reacting to conditions. Reacting to emotions or thoughts alone.
I've devised a system for making decisions. It was developed from my early days in the change process. I ask for direction. I ask to be directed to what is best. For everything. I don't really ask for what I want. I spent years looking for what I wanted and it wasn't satisfying - ever. So how do I know what is best for everything? I don't. I know what's not best for some things. Here is an example of a decision making process: What is best for people under the yoke of addiction? Easy - to get unyoked. Do I know something about it? Hell yes. So I can write what I know - that's good for some. So I do it. I don't bother wondering if I'm lying to myself. It doesn't matter. I made a decision to do what I could to participate in "Doing what was best".
What is best?
How would we know what is best? We have a very limited viewpoint. Our horizons are - right there. There is always imagination - but that's not knowing. That's not seeing the big picture. What's best for the trillions of people throughout the universe? This is where a higher power comes in to play. This is why we would ask it to direct us to what is best. I just look at it as getting plugged in to the structure of life. Connected to the system. Somewhere in this process I started to notice a lot of good in people. I am no longer afraid of being part of "people". In fact I am liking people more and more. I still see the animals. I see them every day. I see the madness and sociopaths, psychotic people all over the place. Mainly on the news and in the politics of nation states and their crazed plans. Nothing "out there" has changed. I have changed enough to not go completely nuts in my reaction to the world. It does what it does - I do what I do. Just a decision. A choice.